1. You don’t need to ever set an alarm again. You now have your very own human alarm clock. A very cute morning person who wakes up loving his life and full of beans but an alarm clock nonetheless.
  2. You will somehow survive on a cocktail of oxygen, endorphins and adrenaline. Where previously you couldn’t function on less than 8 hours of perfect, uninterrupted sleep now you will manage exceedingly well on 20 minute cat naps throughout the night.
  3. I was lucky enough to be able to breastfeed. I do not know how people function making bottles in the middle of the night, working with colic caused by bottle feeding and thus pacing the floor or dealing with allergic reactions to formula etc. Baby stirs in the night? Pop a boob in the gob. The end.
  4. A newborn baby knows his/her mother instantly. This was the most mind boggling thing to me. Harry screamed when he was born until the doctor put him on my chest; he instantly stopped, looked at me, knew I was his and began rummaging around looking for food. Absolutely amazing.
  5. Driving for the first time with a newborn baby in the back is absolutely terrifying.
  6. In the first few days of the baby’s life s/he will splutter up this weird mucus. At first you may think the baby is choking until someone promptly assures you this is normal. On the maternity ward I was on I saw a woman run out to the nurses station half naked thinking her baby was dying. All the reading in the world during pregnancy didn’t mention this very important information that, from what I can make out, everyone needs to know.
  7. Newborn babies make really weird noises and stop breathing randomly. This will cause you to have regular mini heart attacks but is perfectly normal. I tried to have the baby sleep in the co-sleeper but I woke up at every little sound so it was just easier to tuck him under my wing.
  8. It’s true what they say about having no time to yourself anymore. I smugly thought ‘That won’t be me’ when I was expecting but for the first few weeks just going to the bathroom by yourself for 5 minutes feels like an escape. You feel like you’ve abandoned the baby just by taking a shower.
  9. Newborns feed ALL THE TIME. Like….incessantly. So much so that you wonder how on earth they can eat so much. If you do the whole ‘feed on demand’ thing then kiss goodbye to any plans for the day; you are now working to his/her schedule not the other way around.
  10. There is a whole operation before you leave the house-packing nappies, wipes, burp cloths, a change of clothes, blankets, carriers, pacifiers etc. Do not ever find yourself without a nappy. This happened to me in Dubai Mall and without my sister to pop into Waitrose to buy a new pack of nappies, god knows what other disasters would have ensued.
  11. Newborns grow so rapidly that you will be moving from Number 1 sized nappies to number 2’s in the blink of an eye.
  12. When going anywhere in the car with a newborn you will have to time everything to perfection or you may end up feeding on the hard shoulder of a six lane highway ten minutes after leaving the house. Timing is everything.
  13. The laundry pile is endless.
  14. Sometimes a newborn baby will sleep with his/her eyes open. Sometimes it’s just a sliver and other times it’s a big, wide, creepy sleeping eyeball. This is almost as freaky as when you realise newborns don’t have knee caps. Yep.
  15. Newborns can SMELL the milk. Just like little sniffer dogs. No really… newborns have such a strong sense of smell that they can smell breastmilk. Sometimes I hide across the room.
  16. Having a newborn means that you need to pack a spare change of clothes for yourself. Or else you might find yourself in a restaurant wearing white jeans covered in poop (not a good look for your first big night out) or at the beach feeding in your bra whilst your t-shirt dries behind you.  Watch out, they love to dirty a nappy just as you’ve finished changing the old one.
  17. I didn’t experience this personally but apparently some babies have blood or milk coming out of their nipples in the first few weeks and you are not to freak out if this happens…c’est normal.
  18. Babies born in May weigh an average of 200 grams more than babies born in other months.Weird but true.
  19. Newborn babies randomly start producing tears around week 3/4.
  20. These kids are shockingly strong. They have this insane reflex to grab things and can pull themselves up and drag themselves across things from birth. One minute he’s on your tummy and the next he’s sucking on your neck.